The baby of the family. I never quite got that before now. Sure, I know what it means, but I get it now in a way that I didn’t before. That’s because we have a baby of the family.
Our baby of the family is the youngest of four, the only girl. She is our last biological child and there is no possibility of any more. So not only is she the baby of the family, she is the baby girl. But you know, one could say that she’s not really even a baby anymore. She is 21 months old, she is nearly two. By many people’s standards this is a toddler, not a baby.
I always thought of my babies as babies until they were much older anyway, but the difference with Baby-M is that she is the last one and that when the others were her age there was another baby here (or almost). So Baby-M is the baby of the family, and always will be. She’ll get to be a baby longer than the rest, and there will never be another one after her.
The other night I went out around 7:30 to get a couple of necessities from the grocery store. When I got back, my baby was fast asleep. Normally she nurses to sleep and she sleeps in our bed, but last night Baby-M, her brother, and Daddy all went and lay down together. And she fell asleep happily. Without nursing. Without me.
I guess I should admit that I have some mixed feelings about this. I am happy and proud of her that she’s reached this milestone – it’s a big deal around here. I also think that this is the beginning of the end of the baby years, so that makes me a bit sad.
It’s also a reminder, like many things are, of how my kids were born, all by cesarean section. Because we might have had more kids – we probably would have had more – if my insides weren’t totally f**ked up by four major abdominal surgeries. *sigh*
I’ve been a bit hesitant to post on this blog more details of my kids’ birth, and how they all came to be born by c-section. Unnecessary cesareans are a common topic on some blogs and I always shy away from commenting on them. I just don’t think my comments would come across right. I always feel like I have to say “No really, I was one of the ones, the ones that truly needed a c-section” because I know, probably better than most, how unnecessary most c-sections are. And I still wonder if people are thinking “oh sure, she’s one of the ones who thinks it was necessary” which by the way, is what I usually think when I hear women say that they needed a c-section. But then I think, blog posts and comments about unnecessary c-sections aren’t really about me, why do I feel the need to comment anyway?
It is these circular conversations in my head that make me think, “I have to let go.” This is the way my kids were born. There is nothing I can do to change that. Accept what has already happened. Let go.